Earth and positive sexuality together are the foundation of Love – caring and honoring of our physical bodies. We honor our partners’ needs like using birth-control and protection against STDs. We are honest with any disease we may carry (such as herpes or AIDs), and any risky sex behavior we have engaged in (now or in the past). We get tested before unprotected sex with a new partner, because we care and want them to be at ease. Have the lube ready!
The place where we have positive sex is warm, clean and inviting. We are gentle when getting to know how they like to be touched. Little steps towards building trust. (My partner and I like to blindfold a new sex partner – with their permission – and feed them bits of yummy food. Then we both gently massage their body with fragrant oil.) Engage all the senses with pleasurable smells, tastes, touch, sounds and visions.
We know that our bodies are a gift from the God and Goddess, so we treat them as sacred, not profane. Earth is about preparing the space and our bodies as an offering to the value of positive sex. We see the beauty within and without and praise it! Sex brings forth new life and so honors and connects us with all life on this wonderful planet we call Earth.
Stone symbols: green tourmaline, peridot, emerald
Ask what your partner likes and try to provide it (food, music, type of touch)
Make a special space for positive sex
Honor the body as a manifestation of the Divine, and/or Love
With the Air Element:
With air, breath and word, we speak the language of Love. Sweet compliments. Honesty in our words with our lover. We ask for what we need. We communicate our wished and our limitations. “Yes, that feels good.” “Slowing down would feel good”. Try to keep our words positive and nonviolent. Say: this or that makes me happy, rather than I don’t like what you’re doing. Give energy to the positive and pleasurable and withdraw from the negative. Re-frame . Remember, misunderstandings aren’t cause for suspicion, but rather an opportunity to know your partner on a deeper level. (See Deep Friendship.) Ask First! Don’t assume. Admit mistakes and move to Growing Closer. Give voice to your pleasure. Laughter during sex is wonderful. Breathe together. Write love notes just because. Share fantasies…
Stone symbol: blue lace agate
See above. See Deep Friendship – Air
Tantric breath circulation with partner
With Fire Element :
Wondrous Passion shared is Passion squared! ‘Tis a mystery why a certain person lights the fire of our passion. A certain glance brings a tingle of warmth. Love in full flame and flower! Positive sex has a strong container (see Earth) so the fires do not destroy and degrade into violent need. We share the warmth of our naked bodies. We see and praise each other’s body.
Fire is the movement of energy. Explore Tantric sex and orgasmic circulation to prolong the fires of passion. Exquisite intensity felt ourselves and shared – the cone of energy rises. Sometimes the sexual passion is quick to light, other times it grows slowly, like a kettle to boil. Fire comes and goes – constant intensity is unattainable – but we remember the fiery times, and these memories warm us when we are apart. We learn to steward our passion, channeling it, and not repressing it. If another cannot return it, we honor the other’s freedom, and feel no shame. The fires of sexuality, the will to procreate, are ancient! Nature gives us Passion to connect with the other. Now we choose whether to actually pro-create. Rather, we can channel the Fire to feed the relationship and promote joy. Orgasm is not the only goal, for passion comes in all flavors… we accept our partner as they are. Orgasm is up to me (not others)!
Stone symbols: golden rutilated quartz, sunstone, carnelian
See above and Deep Friendship – Fire
All Tantric sex practices (especially orgasm control)
Visualization/magic-using sexual energy to achieve a goal
Sexual experimentation, courage to try something new
Positive sex is not Power over, but is Power with – Equality is key
With Water Element :
“The sea is cold, but it contains the hottest blood of all.” – D.H. Lawrence, Whales Weep Not
Negotiating the winding rivers of each other’s emotions is challenging. We can’t see them, but can only feel them. We all bring certain emotional connections to our positive sex, brought from our past experiences (& even from childhood). We are most vulnerable here and we are aware of this! Call upon Air to help clarify, but realize we can never completely plumb the depths of another’s soul. In our culture, we tent to ‘load up’ sex and ‘love’ with so many expectations, that it is hard to see the Other as they really are. Positive sex tries to clear this away, bit by bit. Question old assumptions (see Fire). Safety and security are most important in positive sex. Find out what is important to your partner. Realize that feeling states strongly affect sexual function, for good or ill. Own your own feelings, instead of projecting them onto your partner. Sometimes it is best to wait for a better time. Hugs and cuddling are positive sex too! Waiting Is. Realize it may not be you that is causing your partner to shy away – seek clarification (Air). Support your partner where they are. Respect their freedom and their rhythms of apartness and closeness. Emotions are ever changing; allow them to flow in yourself and others. Create a safe nest and fill it with Love and Trust. In the realm of feeling men and women have much in common (although our culture says this is not so…).
Stone symbols: rose quartz, jade
See above and Deep Friendship – Water
Sharing a bath, shower or hot-tub
Expand your notions of what “sex” is
Keep asking yourself and others “how do you feel …?”
With the Ancestors
It seems to me that history is full of negative examples of good sexuality. The challenge is to find the gold-nuggets among the dross, and put the pieces together in a new way. Over time the scales have tipped to matriarchy and then to patriarchy, (it is still happening today!). It is our task to achieve a balance and dispel ignorance and superstitions of the past. Learn from our ancestor’s mistakes.
It is well and good to honor and respect our mothers and fathers, grandparents, and on down our personal lineage. Here we learn our cultural matrix, where we find the hidden assumptions we carry into the future. How have the sexual choices of our ancestors affect our choices today? What to keep and what to leave behind?
What have ancient cultures to teach us? I believe that woman’s equality is still an on-going struggle. It is good to be aware of our sexual-cultural history, or we will be repeating it!
Share your experiences with Elders – they may be pleasantly surprises and delighted with your stories!
Stone symbols: black tourmaline, lodestone
Interview mom and/or dad about the circumstances of your birth and their sex ideals
What is the effect of your place in the birth order of your family? The effect of marriage/divorce/separation of parents?
Research history of sex in various cultures and be aware of the many choices
Read literature of feminists and of men’s power authors
My favorite is: The Second Sex by Simone du Beauvoir. For men: The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart by Robert Bly
With the Descendants :
Children as sexual partners with Adults, is not positive sexuality, for they are inherently in an unequal relationship. Teach them ‘bad touch – good touch’. Teach them not to be ashamed of their bodies; household nudity is an option, but not a requirement. Teach them good boundaries, and good and safe sex choices. Sex-play is natural, but also be aware of the present cultural/norms – without shame. Let them choose their sexual orientation and support their choice.
Be honest and complete with their sex-education, and show tem where to find sex-positive literature and videos. Be a confidant, but allow them their privacy. Children have different rates of sexual development, so take your cues from them. Self-pleasuring is good and right. Teach control, but not repression. Be light-hearted, for our culture puts sex in chains. Show them how other cultures express their sexuality. Teach them care and consideration of their sex-partners. Each generation must be taught anew! This is our responsibility as adult-caretakers of the future of positive sexuality. Teach men to respect women’s differences and women to respect men’s differences.
Stone symbols: pink tourmaline, rhodocrosite, rhodonite
See Positive Sexuality (the 4 elements above), age- appropriate activities
Realize that children will learn from our example, so be excellent to each other…
With the Community :
Imagine a community where positive sexuality is a central value! The sad dramas of repression, pain, and superstition have passed away. Open, polyamorous relationships have the support of the whole community. Population control is now possible. Jealousy no longer is a proof of love – it is a vestige of the past to be processed and released. Pornography is replaced by literature and videos showing love, honesty and equality. Pleasures of the body are embraced, not feared. Sexual orientation is the blessing of diversity, not repressed. We see sexuality as a rainbow of ideas and practices and knowledge, not just black and white. Various states of dress and nudity are self-expressions and a matter of free choice to be celebrated. Respect for each sex. Transgender males and females are accepted. Fear is replaced by laughter and joy, as our true Human-Bonobo nature is set free. People are there when we are lonely, or when our hearts are broken (yes we are only human and not perfect). We celebrate the fullness and diversity of all human sexuality – as long as there is no coercion, violence or ‘power-over’ behaviors. Both men and women ‘hold up the sky’, no longer restricted by gender roles.
The diversity of positive sexuality is now brought up to the level of the whole culture, self-similar in the fractal way of Nature, (inter-personal behavior becomes cultural behavior). Now that we are free from the “battle of the sexes”, we can turn our minds towards the larger issues we face as the Human Race, for we have replaced sexual scarcity with sexual abundance. When Deep Friendship, Self Knowledge, and Positive Sex intersect – Powerful Love Magic happens!!
Stone symbols: sugilite, male and female Boji stones
See above and all activities in Positive sexuality
Research past cultures or intentional communities as models (ex. – Polynesian)
Seek win-win solutions to problems
Read about Bonobo behavior (our closest primate relative)